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HandsUp

Welcome back to another review, where I desperately try to act like I care about any of the characters apart from Scarlett, Topher, Max, Jasmine, and Shawn.

So we start out the episode with Scarlett taking notes on Sky. Too bad she has no character to take notes about AYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I used to have a thing for Shawn.." "Shawn?!" GIRL SHUT THE FUDGE UP YOU'RE THE GIRL WHO LIKES THE WEIRDO, GERMAPHOBE, RECOLORING OF MIKE! NO, HE'S NOT EVEN A RECOLORING! HIS SHIRT, SKIN, AND HAIR ARE LITERALLY THE EXACT SAME COLOR!

ZOMG Jasmine is tall I swear she has grown at least two feet since the last episode I'm surprised she hasn't busted through the roof of the shelter with her height yet.

"That could've been a double date high five!" Shawn I like you but you are so thirsty. 

Meanwhile, over at Team Everything Is Not Awesome, everything is not awesome. Sugar is laughing at Max (YOU DO NOT DO THAT U BISH) and Max has some funny lines. "Evil needs a chiropractor!" "I do not take orders from talking animals. I give them, and they are evil!" Preach brotha. Meanwhile Dave is being a boring character. So what else is new?

Shawn eats some tree bark and talks to Dave (Why would anybody do that? Talk to Dave, I mean, cuz eating tree bark is perfectly normal). Chris calls everyone to the challenge starting point. Topher is awesome some more and reveals that he's been calling the network to ask about replacing Chris. At the starting point, Dave dies (YAY) and Jasmine cockblocks Sky (DOUBLE YAY).

So Chris announces the challenge. I'm surprised the writers didn't just have a bunch of Ezekiels instead of the animals for Area 1, cuz, you know, they're basically the same thing nowadays (AYOOO) Why does Chris say pah-sta? Is it a Canadian thing or something because nobody I know pronounces it that way. 

Chef kills Topher with pasta in a genuinely funny scene, and Chris makes everybody carry babies through the zones. Does Chris just, have, like, a balloon on standby with a bunch of babies? Where does he get them? "Evil doesn't change soiled nappies." I like you Max. I like you a lot. 

Then, a tree disappears (HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM). Topher gets a text and wakes up a lion. "I'll put this phone on vibrate!" I'd like to vibrate you. 

When we get back from the commercial break, Scarlett scares a lion, and Jasmine verbally beach-slaps Shawn. "Time to step up your game or I'm gonna step ON your game." I like you too.

So Topher poses for the camera and does that thing he did in those trailers that made everyone think he was gay and voiced by Peter Oldring before the season aired. Then he gets killed by Chef.... again. AND YAY WE GET A RETURN OF SCUBA BLING PASTA BEAR! WOO HOO!!!! 

Meanwhile, Sugar sucks and leaves her baby on a snake on a lion and kills everything in Zone 1. "You scare me quite a bit for a living person." Looks like great minds think alike, eh Shawn? 

"Don't leave me! We all have to cross the finish line to win, remember?" I won't leave you, my Tophey. Sky throws a horn at Dave and gets him blasted with pasta. Didn't think I'd ever say this, but YOU GO SKY!! What is the advantage to having Chef wear a blindfold in this? It would only help him blast them better if he wasn't wearing it. 

Max starts sneezing and Sugar eats him. "I've lost Sky. Nothing matters anymore, just leave me here." DO IT SHAWN DO IT NAO RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY DUDE GOO RUN NAO LEAVE HIM. Is it just me or do those babies not blink?

AW HECK NAW SUGAR YOU DO NOT PUNCH PASTA BEAR!!! So Team Topher Has Four Bars crosses the line to get to Zone 3, and Scarlett makes me poop my pants in fear. 

When I get back from changing my pants, Dave is sucking as usual and Topher *gasp* gets a call from the network! They tell him they're gonna fire Chris and replace him with Topher. Not sure how I feel about this, since I like Chris, but Topher's cool... Awp! It doesn't matter anyway, since they get buried in an avalanche and Team Dave Sucks At Everything wins. Before we cut to commercial we get another funny scene where Max tries to hide the fact that he has still has his baby. I like that they built off of his line from his audition tape that he hasn't had time to practice his evil laugh because of his babysitting.

After commercial, we get to elimination and Topher tells Chris he's eliminated and tells everyone about his call from the network. I then realize that Chris and Topher have the exact same shoes. However, Chris reveals that he impersonated the dude from the network and I realize how friggin' ridonkulous he looks with that disguise on. Hey! Chef has a line for the first time in like 6 billion years. They even acknowledge that there was no point for Chris to be wearing a disguise since Topher couldn't even see him. NOOOO! TOPHER IS ELIMINATED! NO! TOPHEY!!

So this episode was pretty good. It had good writing, solid characters, and funny interactions. BUT NOO TOPHER NOOOO and Sugar and Dave were stupid as usual and the challenge was pretty weird.

Final Score: 6.5/10

  • Pros: Shawn, Scarlett, Jasmine, Topher, Max
  • Cons: Dave, Sky, Sugar, Weird Challenge, Dave-Sky Interactions
  • McLean-Brand Chris Head: Jasmine (Funny Lines, Strong Independent Character, Good Interactions)
  • Cannon of Shame: Dave (No Interactions Outside of Sky, Boring Character, Unfunny Lines)

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