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Scuff my pageant shoes

Greetings readers, and welcome to Total! Drama! Pahkitew Island! Reviews! By me! MrMatt2001. *Winks* Basically, I'll just be going through, recapping the episode, talking about its pros and cons, and at the end, giving one contestant (my favorite of the episode) the McLean-Brand Chris Head (Hey, TDPI counts as Season 5, so technically the Chris Head WAS in Season 5, so it works), and one contestant (my least favorite of the episode) the Cannon of Shame. So, let's hop to it.

We open up with Chris telling us to put on clean underwear. Then he says the word spanking. *Must resist joke to not get banned.....* Chris then reminds us of the island sinking last season and says he sank it even though it was technically Chef's drilling that did it. Also wouldn't there be any legal repercussions? No? Alrighty then. I love that fat intern.

We then get another shortened opening. Mmmk...... After that we are introduced to Ella, Sky, and Max, and Max and Sky actually have a genuinely funny interaction. I think I'm gonna like Max. Then Leonard, like, tries to hit on Dave or something. Ella prances past (I think I'm also gonna like her) and we meet Beardo (what the fudge kinda cruel parents do you gotta be to name your kid Beardo?), Amy, and Samey. If Amy and Samey hate each other that much why are they sitting by each other? Then Amy is height-ist to Jasmine. Nice going, TD. After that, Sugar kills Topher and then Scarlett is a nerd HAW HAW doubt that'll ever get old. Fat Scott, sorry, Rodney tries to hit on Shawn but Shawn is too in love with his zombie gag to give it up. Doubt that'll ever get old either.

So the blimp hits a thunderstorm and hey! Chef 1) is wearing his flight suit from TDWT and 2) actually has lines! Neato! Chris shows up outta nowhere and Topher and Ella like, try to kiss him or something. GOSHDARNIT CHRIS WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND EXPLOSIVES HOW HAS THE RCMP NOT TAKEN THEM AWAY YET? Hey, at least they don't have Team Chris is Reallyx5000000000 Hot's logo on them anymore. Everybody grabs a parachute and it turns out Chris is a hologram. We then get another funny line from Chef ("WHY AIN'T I A HOLOGRAM?") before he and Topher bail.

It also turns out only half the parachutes are actual parachutes. Jasmine what the fudge are you talking about. Beardo (of course) makes the wah-wah sound. Amy then straight-up tries to murder her sister. Ummmm, what mental asylum did you escape from? I h8 u Sugar. Is it just me or is Dave's voice way too deep for his character? Fat Scott (sorry, Rodney) and Scarlett actually get a parachute but Ella sings to a bird and gets it to carry her to the ground. Mmk. Jasmine grabs Shawn and Leonard and carries them to the ground. Because why the fudge not.

Everyone who doesn't have a parachute (except Ella and Sky) falls into the lake and dies. I officially love Max. Am I the only one who didn't know how to pronounce the island's name before Chris said it? The teams are made and I'm glad they're addressing the fact that they kinda totally made up Samey's name and they didn't just do it for the sake of their names sounding alike. Aaand it turns out Chris's Cree sucks, but why does Sky know Cree again? I think we just got a dig at Google Translate, but I'm not sure. 

Beardo makes Sugar fart (that sounded really weird) and we get a really funny line from Chris (HEY! FART MONSTER!) I also see the satellite from the opening of the first ep of TDR in the pile of junk. Fat Scott (RODNEY) falls in love with Jasmine or something while Dave tries to hit on Sky. Shawn swags out on the field and gets some soup. Then, Topher heads up and wets his pants over Chris's signoff and terrible puns. 

After the commercial break, we get some funny lines from Ella while her birds get murdered by Chef's tennis balls. Sky sacrifices Dave while Beardo sucks. Like at everything. Leonard references Lord of the Rings. Yeah, as if there haven't been enough stupid Lord of the Rings references. Afterwards, we get yet another funny scene from Max as he tries to practice his evil laugh and gets scared away from his secret lair by bats.

I literally cannot even understand half of Jasmine's dialogue because of her accent. Team Kine-Kina-Kinoe-Team Jasmine manages to build and somehow hold together their piece-of-crap shelter and Chris shows up on his GOSHDARNIT I WANT THAT JETPACK GIVE IT TO ME NAO. He unleashes a wild group of moose who kills Max.

Team Mask-whatever somehow manages to build a giant tower with some glitter, soup, rope, a hammer, and straw. Hey, this is the same show where a teen turned into Gollum by staying in a plane's cargo hold, so no, I won't question it. (Alright, last Ezekiel joke of this review, I promise.)

Of course the moose show up and kill everyone and destroy the tower. Chris announces that Team However The Heck You Pronounce The Name Of That One Team Where Max Swags Everything Out wins the challenge and they get barbecue while Team Other Team loses and has to go to elimination.

You know if we hadn't been spoiled by the leaked storyboards I actually would've been in suspense for this elimination. I knew it would come down to Leonard and Beardo but I wouldn't have been sure who would've actually gotten out. Of course Beardo gets out (that's racist) and he makes the noise Pac-Man makes when he dies. Are they gonna get sued for that? I think they might get sued for that. Chef unveils the Cannon of Shame (cuz why the fudge not? It can't get any worse than the Flush of Shame.) Beardo gets shot away and actually talks (gee doesn't remind me of another dark skinned contestant voted out early whose name started with B at all). "You know what's weird? I already don't miss him!" Well yeah because he was created basically to be elimination fodder, like Staci. 

So that wraps up the first episode. It was a lot better than I expected it to be and it already Mach-5s over All-Stars but I really don't want to talk about that season right now. Just, ugggggghhh... So yeah I'm definitely interested in seing more of this season. 

Final Score: 8.5/10

  • Pros: Max, Ella, Chris's Jetpack, Chef, Good Interactions, (Mostly) Interesting New Characters
  • Cons: Beardo, Dave, Sugar, Odd Challenge, Predictable Challenge Winners and Losers
  • McLean-Brand Chris Head: Max (Funny Lines, Good Interactions)
  • Cannon of Shame: Beardo (Elimination Fodder, Nothing But Sound Effects)

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