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HowShawnBreaksUpWithGirls

Does this title mean we'll be getting a cameo from one of the old contestants? Nah, I don't think we'd be that lucky.

After a pretty standard recap (except Chris says "On the last episode of Total Drama..." and not "Previously on Total Drama: Pahkitew Island," that was weird), we open up on something covered in vines and weeds pop up out of the lake and it roars. O....k?

Meanwhile, over at the people we don't care about except Shawn, Topher, Ella, and Max, Shawn is like wetting himself thinking about how awesome Jasmine is. Also, Shawn, don't ever say "ding ding!" again. It sounds absolutely wretched (told you I'd add that to my vocabulary). Of course Shawn sees the swamp thing and is convinced it is a zombie.

We cut to the next morning when Dave and Sky are picking berries and like, intercoursing and stuff. "My sister is my role model. She almost made it onto the Canadian team for rhythmic gymnastics." Wow, your sister sucks. "I like you. What I want to know is - Do you like me too?" JESUS, this is painful. Like, this forced romanti dialogue is physically hurting me right now.

So Sky burps on Dave. Nice. Does Ella just sleep in her princess dress? That's gotta be REALLY uncomfortable. As the contestants are walking down to the beach Ella hits on Sugar some more GURL U ARE WAY TOO GOOD 4 HER 

Meanwhile Max is over there trying to think up evil names for himself or something and he and Scarlett, like, start sexing it up. Where did this friendship come from again? DAH JESUS CHRIST IS CHRIS'S FACE TERRIFIYING IMMA HAVE NIGHTMARES FOR YEARS THANKS A LOT TD JESUS GOD

Yeah so Chris used Botox on his face and Sugar is stupid just like usual. We also find out Topher's true intentions on the island: He wants the hosting job. DUN DUN DUN! The plot thickens. I like that the writers didn't just make him a total fanboy because he'd be too much like Sierra then. I'm glad they threw in something else for him to do.

Chris announces the challenge (which admittedly is very creative) and Max and Chris have a fun exchange. Samey does a pretty convincing Amy impression. Meanwhile Shawn is somewhere putting dead fish on himself. Look, dude, I hate fish enough just by itself. Like I can't stand eating it. So the thought of putting dead fish on myself...just....eughhhh.

And of course Sugar starts complaining about things that don't matter (just like her character) and meanwhile over at Team Failures, Max pulls out his most evil weapon ever. A WIRE! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN! (Wait, didn't you have those evil things in that hole last episode? Whatever, never mind.)

The challenge starts and Topher starts making love to the camera. All of a sudden everybody's hair is dry. Did they just go through a time portal and dry their hair in the two seconds it took Chris to say "Nix the narration"? Next, S/Amy and Sugar go up against each other. Never thought I'd say this but GO S/AMY GO S/AMY GO S/AMY!!!!!!!! YES! SCUBA BEAR KNOCKED SUGAR IN THE WATER! SCUBA BEAR FTW ILU SO MUCH SCUBA BEAR U ARE OFFICIALLY THE BEST CHARACTER EVER YAAAAYYYY

Afterwards, Scarlett and Max come up with an evil idea for evil, and my two favorite characters are awesome as usual. "TIME TO EV-IL!!!!!" Make love to me. Max shocks Ella with an eel. Now Max if you were somebody else I would officially hate you, but I'll allow it just because you're so awesome and because of Ella's facial expression. 

So after the commercial break where I realize Scarlett is actually kinda cool because of how much evil potential she has, Sky says penalized a weird way and I try not to make an inappropriate joke to get banned. I just realized Shawn has had like, a minute of screen time so far. Maybe they just didn't want to pay Zachary Bennett that day so he left and went to Old Country Buffet for the day or something.

Dave puts Ella's shoe on her and of course she falls in love with him (haha Cinderella reference haha and stuff) And I just realized this probably means another love triangle. Greaaat. So Scarlett creates a death ray and blasts Sky into the lake with it and gets her killed by scuba bear. Oh sorry, that was my fanfiction. So Scarlett, like, slides, and Sky, labelled the gymnast, and having shown incredible athletic skills in the first couple of episodes, trips and falls in the lake. Scarlett says more smart person things I DUNNO WHAT YOURE SAYING GIRL YOURE TOO SMART FOR ME I GOT A B- IN SCIENCE THIS YEAR CHILL OUT

Dave and Jasmine go up against each other but Jasmine is too worried about Shawn. Jasmine win this challenge and kill Dave and you will be my favorite character ever I will give you Shawn and the million dollars and Chris's AWESOME jetpack just kill him kill him nao. Also Jasmine says "crikey". That's stereotypical. And racist. (But Australian isn't a race!) Shut up. AND WUT DAVE KNOCKED YOU OUT JESUS CHRIST YOU SUCK

Shawn finally appears so I assume Zachary Bennett finished at Old Country Buffet and came back to the studio and holy crap, Chef actually has a line. Wait, what the fudge was up with that waterfall? What the heck? 

So we go back to the challenge. "Sticking it to them. Pun intended." Sky should just be eliminated right now with that bad of a line. And is that a hint of jealousy I hear in your voice Sky? Are you seriously getting jealous over Dave? Really? C'mon now girl, even YOU're better than him. You at least deserve, like, Beardo or something.

After that Scuba Bear kills Max but Ella sings to it and Chris has a pretty funny line before Scuba Bear comes over and kills him. Shawn comes back and Jasmine like, orgasms over Shawn in the confessional. "Smells like a skunk's armpit all of a sudden." No, Sugar, that's just you AY-OOOOOO

So Dave is evil and basically breaks up Jasmine and Shawn NOOOO EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T THAT INVESTED IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP I STILL HATE U NOO

S/Amy and Sugar are the last two contestants up. I may not like S/Amy but I like Sugar even less, so I have to cheer with Team KinoseTurnDownForWak on this one. S/AMY! S/AMY! S/AMY! All of a sudden Amy (the real one) bursts out of the water. Surprise! That's what the thing covered in vines at the beginning was! Yeah, this was a really stupid and predictable plot twist. Scarlett is smart some more and the two sisters fight. I quote Josh on this one: "OOO! CATFIGHT!" So I eagerly watch before Chris and Sugar cockblock me. Darn it, that means Sugar won't be eliminated. And Scarlett has a pretty funny confessional.

We get to elimination FINALLY. "Jasmine you had a chance to win it for your team but you let your emotions cloud your mind and stop your intimidating physique from doing its job." Yeah, intimidatingly TALL I MEAN HOLY JESUS I SWEAR SHE'S GROWN AT LEAST FIVE FEET SINCE THE LAST EPISODE

No, Jasmine is actually safe and Amy and Samey are both eliminated. Yay, two more uninteresting characters down... hopefully permanently this time. 

So this episode was pretty good. There was a good challenge, very good lines, and not to mention scuba bear. But why was this episode called "A Blast from the Past"? It was mostly focused on Jasmine and Shawn's cocktease and Amy only showed up at the very end of the episode. But overall, this was still a good episode.

Final Score: 7/10

  • Pros: Max, Ella, Scarlett, Amy-Samey Interaction, Jasmine-Shawn Interaction
  • Cons: Misleading Title, Sugar, Dave, Weird Waterfall Thing
  • McLean-Brand Chris Head: Shawn (Funny Subplot, Good Interactions)
  • Cannon of Shame: Sugar (Being a Beach For No Reason, Being Ugly)

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