Hi guys, River here and it's time for the second-last episode review before like a year long break. Or so. Until Pahkitew. If I do it. And to all you Americans, Happy Two-Days-Before-Thanksgiving! To all you non-Americans, Happy Two-Days-Before-A-Completely-Random-And-Pointless-Thursdayday (this should be a federal holiday(With no school))!
On to the actual review:
We open on Mal telling Scott thatit was Gwen's fault that Scourtney was ruined. Didn't he say it was Alejandro's fault like two episodes ago? Continuity. SUCKS. Gwen walks up, saying she needs allies, and tries to with Scott, but is let down with him reverting to ROTI Scott and generally being a jerk to her. I was SERIOUSLY afraid that this would be a repeat of last episode's character-who-leaves-reverts-to-their-jerkiest-self-before-leaving thing.
So Mal says that he actually has PLANS for the million, which is basically a tower overlooking a volcano... I hear Hawaii is nice this time of year. Just don't chuck pineapples in them.
In a brain scene, the gang stumbles upon Manitoba (who I nicknamed Manny) who is roping Mike's dreams and KILLING THEM WITH FIRE. I love you, man(ny). When Mike suggests they leave, Manny uses the BEST. FREAKIN'. LOGIC. EVER. And basically says "It doesn't matter who's in charge, I'm still stuck in here. At least now I get to please my darker side and BURN YOUR DREAMS."
Not really. Mike then says "I was here first. This is my brain. I deserve it!" Isn't that how monarchy worked. King Mike. I think King Mal sounds cooler, honestly. Mike pulls out his driver's license, and it says that Mal was the original. So his parents named him Mal. Odd name. Whatever.
In the mansion, Zoey questions Chris's unrealistic smile in one of the paintings. Chris then does a I'm-so-rich-these-rich-things-are-for-Scott's-family over the stuff in there. Zoey says she still uses diapers, Chris runs out, and Zoey finds the DVD. THANK GOD. She plays it in the DVD player, and we get a completely different montage of Mal. And yes, Zoey, you are a fool.
On the way to the challenge, Zoey questions Mal about his boyfriendishness, and Mal says he got her a bracelet and everything! That's like Tier 17 for them. Zoey says "No, it was a NECKLACE". Chef is a parrot, Chris is a pirate, and Zoey gets electrocuted. She has to find the Yeti, an apparantly valuable item. Gwen has to get a portrait of Chris, Scott needs a diamond, and Mal growls at a turtle that bites off his hand. He gets to find (yay) The Golden (?) Chris Statue(??). It's the GILDED CHRIS AWARD. Mal remarks that he can't win fairly, so he'll have to win "UN-fairly". There are like, only two kinds of fair. Fair and unfair. I doubt there's a pretty-fair-but-not-totally-fair category.
And YAY! Double elimination! Scott won't get karma! YAY! Chris is obnoxiously obnoxious with the loudspeaker, Scott vs. Fang has started again, and Zoey's part Native American. Gwen searches through the wreckage of the Cottage/Mansion, and OH MY GOD MAL'S GONNA KILL HER WITH A CROWBAR. Cut to commercial, and we all know she'll be fine at the end.
She stops Mal, and he uses halfway decent logic to say why he's standing behind her and why a crowbar is right by his feet. Gwen bashes Mal, and I could TOTALLY see him in a leather jacket spraying graffiti. They form the shortest alliance ever, as Mal traps her under like 2 tons of debris. "If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em UP". Mal. Those basically mean the same thing.
ZOEY, NO. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WIN AGAIN. NO, ZOEY. NO. BAD ZOEY. And Scott makes a noose, what's he gonna- oh my god. Scott is going to HANG Fang. But it fails, and says that sharks and pigs are nothing alike. Dude, they both have hearts, brains, stomachs, eyes, teeth...
And we have a Mott alliance! How long will THIS one last? The writers should have switched the confessionals around. We all knew what was going to happen in Scott's.
Gwen is in black and white as she pulls out a Chris painting, and uses an IRL fat-face app to make Chris's chin HUGE. And off she goes to fix it using... Nature! Yay! DANGIT, ZOEY, STOP WINNING! Gwen needs a color for Chris's hair. To do so, she uses... BEAR SCAT (crap). YES, ZOEY. KEEP LOSING. (Sorry any Zoey fans)
Scott gets strung by his ankle and used as a puching bag... I feel really bad for him now. He hasn't been evil, save for being on the Villian's team. DANGIT ZOEY, YOU WON. AGAIN. Manitoba, will you PLEASE burn my Zoey fanart in your fire? PLEEEEASE, WITH A FEDORA ON TOP?
Mal drags Scott to the finish line, and calls him a treasure. Injured competitors make a GREAT Christmas present. I'll get one for my sister. Gwen brings a painting, which looks like a Chris monk from the 13th century (1200s). Chris barfs on it, and Gwen is sudden deathly eliminated. Bye.
In another brain scene, Mike's in denial of Mal being the original. Denial is the first stage of grief. Mike's grieving the loss of his "I-can-be-in-control-since-I'm-the-original" excuse. The brain wallet turns into a piece of squishy brain, and Manny is a GENIUS. He was the ONLY ONE who figured out that the WHOLE PLACE was a prison. A+++++-+ for Manitoba's report card this semester (I watch too much Uncle Grandpa).
Gwen is flushed, and she says there is NO WAY in THE NETHER that she is coming back. See you next All Star season, Gwen. Zoey makes a choice between jerk, and jerk who has the potential to become her boyfriend again, and chooses the latter. Bye, Scott. And NO KARMA! YESH! The end.
- Brain Scene
-No Scott Karma! (except for the minor bits, but that's the norm)
-Zoey FINALLY FOUND OUT ABOUT MAL
-The Fact that the List has been right almost perfectly (Scott went before Gwen in the list)
BEST CHARACTER: Manitoba Smith. I know I say one of the Bros a lot, but they make up like 85% of the nominees now. He has officially become my favorite of Mike's alternate personalities (sorry Mal, you've been bumped down a notch) His logic is great, I LOVED his brain job, and I just really like Australian accents.
WORST CHARACTER: Gwen. It's not that she was BAD, it's that she didn't DO anything. Like, nothing. At least Scott had a temporary Mott alliance. Gwen's was even shorter. And your art skills have failed.
FINAL SCORE: 8.8