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WWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When this season started, I honestly thought it was going to be good. You were doing fine! But then I remembered: this is FreshTV in 2014!

I feel crushed. I’m destroyed. I’m not sure if life can go on.

So how did it end up like this?

(sob)

I’ll explain.

So right away, we see some dumb conflict forming between Samey and Jasmine. After all that Amy did to her sister, she really deserved it. There are still questions over whether Samey planned for her sister to eat the death apple or if it was Jasmine’s idea (you know, because she’s a survivalist) but it really doesn’t matter right now. So Jasmine is like ‘Samey you a b’ and Samey’s like ‘Whateves I’m Amy’. Samey then smudges her face with a blueberry so people will think she’s Amy. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t find out until the other day that mole existed, but this entire plan sounds really dumb. You can’t tell me people will buy into that mole. I mean, if she thought if the mole was that big of a difference in phenotypes then someone other than Jasmine would have noticed after the elimination that the wrong twin went home. Kind of pointless, right? And it wouldn’t matter anyway because Jasmine (the one person that can distinguish them) saw her put the smudge on. Brilliant!

So anyway, everyone thinks that Samey is Amy and they honestly believed that Samey was a complete jerk (you know, instead of Amy (who got voted off)).  I’m not even going to question everyone’s stupidity anymore; it’s a staple in this series. Meanwhile, Jasmine hates Samey’s guts even though she was the one who encouraged her to stand up for her sister in the first place. I would have at least expected a confessional where she’s expressing her guilt for creating this ‘monstrosity’ if you can call it that or have the two talk it out in a civil manner. But instead, it just makes Jasmine look like a bad person.

Say, does anyone smell a liar revealed plot? I smell it. It’s probably coming from the dumpster. Oh wait, it’s FreshTV Headquarters.

Yay, it’s challenge time and it’s that Truth or Shark challenge from Revenge, only without sharks…or water. And how convenient how Chris just happens to know everyone’s insecurities. Oh wait.

Anyone want chicken? Chris gets a smart one to act as a lie detector because FreshTV. And it’ll play a role later in this episode.

Love is in the air. Unfortunately for us, that means torture via convoluted and cringe-inducing drama. I know Rodney’s “love” triangle is supposed to be for laughs, but it only leaves pain. It’s quite baffling the amount of agony I get every time he talks about the ladies.

And it’s not limited to him either.

Okay, so Sky has to drink mineral water and she has a hard time getting it all down in time. Looks like we’re about to see a character with weakness.

Oh…

I guess Shawn saves the day then.

And then Dave gets coerced by Sky to kiss her. Oh you, Chris. And just when they do it, looks like that mineral water comes back to haunt her. I guess somebody’s seen South Park. And then later, Sky admits that she has a hard time accepting and dealing with her love which although she’s still denying, is becoming clearer to her and another blow to the audience’s head.

Anyway, we get this side-plot where Ella’s trying to become friends with Sugar. Sugar’s annoyance to her has been apparent from earlier so this doesn’t seem pulled out of a hat. And I guess likable characters just aren’t the thing in the South.

Looks like it’s tied and we need something to break it. Let’s send up Ella- the most sensitive person here- to untie a shocker to harm a guy who has been down on his luck. I bet size does matter as Rodney can’t open the bag. And I guess crazy decisions do turn out to be plot conveniences. So Rodney says something to the chicken that makes it angry. Ella unties her shocker, but can’t bring herself to do it. I was really hoping the others would tell her to do that. That way we see some depth in her as while she wants to keep her morals, sometimes she needs to help her team by pushing them aside. But I guess it’s alright because that chicken goes berserk and pushes it for her. How convenient.

So the Waneyihtam Maskwak win again and then Chris says in the reward that Chef is cooking “chicken” tonight. That’s low! I mean really! You just killed that chicken?! Yay, slaughtering animals because FreshTV, man!

And this elimination is so suspenseful, so nail-biting, so conflicting, so stressful that you feel your entire body explode with each second Chris spends tempting our hearts!

That’s right, Rodney is the one that goes home and he crashes into some ship. Whether cartoon physics created the next Titanic or broke every bone in Rodney’s body is completely valid.

Why was this episode made?

Okay, it’s not the worst Total Drama has done. The All Stars finale still holds a safe lead over second place. But this episode was dumb for no reason at all. It just seemed to take shortcuts rather than take obvious cues for character growth. And come on, slaughtering a chicken for getting rightfully mad?



See ya!

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