Twinning Isn't Everything
So we open up with the writer of the episode, which is...ED MCDONALD? AAHHHHHHHHHHHH. HIDE YO WIFE, HIDE YO KIDS, TURN OFF YOUR TELEVISIONS CAUSE THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING.
Jasmine telling Samey that just because Amy tells her to help, doesn't mean she has to. Samey takes it the wrong way and Jasmine tells her to do something and stop being Amy's b**ch. Somehow having a mole makes Amy prettier than Samey, even though apparently nobody notices the mole anyway. Jasmine and Samey make friends cause they're like, super cute, while Samey confesses that Amy made her pull a Britney Spears to tell them apart. Jasmine uses her female empowerment skills to recruit Samey to the TD-Feminist club and then acts awkward around Shawn, who as always, looks stoned as hell. Oh Jasmine, what a fabulous character.
Shawn returns to Maskwak cave/Max's evil lair as Sugar tackles him like she's a star quarterback in the NFL. YOU GO GIRL. As Ella starts to sing (oh god), Sugar shoves a pear in her mouth because she is so damn skinny. A lot of TD girls seem to struggle with anorexia these days (I'm talking about you, Gwen). Maybe the pear is evil. Maybe the dangerous apples on the island are really pears in disguise so they can TAKE OVER THE WORLD. K enough about that. So Team Maskwak kicks Ella out of their cave for being an annoying b**ch, and then Dave tries to get into Sky's pants. Ugh, f**k off, Dave.
Back at Team Kinosewak, Amy is once again thanked for the work Samey did and Samey is hella pissed. She won't take s**t from her sister anymore.
Samey: "I'm the nice one, Amy is a MONSTER."
Amy, being the grade-A that she is, plays the victim and starts sobbing like she's on her menstrual cycle (I have those too) and everyone tells Samey how much they hate her. Like, God Samey, what is wrong with you? Poor Samey, but I mean she kinda deserves it for being 17 minutes late. LAZY A**. So as Samey storms off to go kill something, Ella appears with a song...that she doesn't get to sing because nobody wants to hear it.
Ella: "Who wants to hear a song?"
Chris: "NO ONE, ELLA."
Chris just tells it like it is. Everyone gets ready for the challenge as Rodney falls in love with Jasmine...AGAIN.
At the chellenge, Topher annoys everyone once again. Ugh, he is more useless than J'Tia from Survivor (love ya gurl). A HOG WITH A LIBRARY CARD? What are these people smoking? Anyway, Chris announces that the challenge is Doom Balloons which is basically like Paintball Deer Hunter, except with balloons instead of paintball guns. In the confessional, Topher confesses his love for Chris. WE KNOW. YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO HIM. SHUT UP...CHICKEN.
Max falls into a bush and then...#ScarlettFever appears, more sarcastic than ever. Have I mentioned that Max gives me second-hand embarrassment?
Scarlett: "Wow, your mind is SO powerful".
Love that sarcastic b**ch. Oh delusional Max thinking that Scarlett is in love with him. YOU'RE TOO HIDEOUS FOR THAT QUEEN. GO DATE STACI OR SOMETHING.
OH NO, Dave and Sky! Mike and Zoey 2.0! Dave hits on Sky and I almost vomit in my mouth. Sky, a godplayer, senses evil, and as she pushes Dave out of the way she falls victim to one of Max's DIABOLICAL SCHEMES! Cue Mr. Burns' "excellent". It was actually Scarlett's idea, as she roles her eyes and she too is embarrassed to be seen in public with Max. COMMERCIAL BREAK.
AND WE'RE BACK. FINALLY, SUGAR! Rodney spies on my favourite camper who has a SNAKE ON HER FACE. AAHHHH!
Sugar: "Thanks for washin' my face, hefty worm!"
LOL I love her. I wonder if she did that on purpose or not. But wait, it gets better because SHE THROWS THE SNAKE AT RODNEY! HA. TAKE THAT.
Rodney: "You can't throw snakes at people!"
It just happened. Rodney's voice makes me want to cut my limbs off. Maybe that's because I have poison ivy (it's true). And we're back to Dave and Sky. Dave tells Sky he's glad that she got hit and goes on to list like 87 things he's allergic to. Noah, anyone?
Sky: "I'M A LESBIAN, OKAY? I LIKE THE V. BACK OFF OR I'LL CUT YOU."
Dave is clueless and Sky is determined to win. YOU GO GIRL. The girls in this season are so independent, I love it. Topher tells Chris he's old (he does look 80) and says he will be replaced. YOU WISH, J'TOPHER. See what I did there? Because he's useless?
AW, ELLA HAS A SMILEY FACE BALLOON. Sugar is disappointed to find out she just ran into Sugar. Sugar is like, "s**t" and Ella is like "my balloon is adorable!" Ella is just too happy. She's also delusional, because she is convinced that she and Sugar will become the new Katie and Sadie. IN YOUR DREAMS, PRINCESS...Courtney. Thankfully, Sugar assaults her. LOL. YOU GO GIRL.
Shawn is camoflauged in brown icing, but he looks like he got a little too close to that bear poop that Gwen used in the Bold and the Booty-ful. Rodney is annoying. I want him to leave. FINALLY, AMY AND SAMEY. We haven't seen them in like 10 minutes. Amy b**ches at Samey and Rodney cries like a girl. CHRIS IS 30? BUT HE WAS BORN IN 1978, SO THIS MUST TAKE PLACE IN 2008. Ella sings and Sugar tells, but Izz-I mean Jasmine is LARPing as Tarzan and pwns them. Jasmine compliments Samey and Amy is pissed, but Jasmine tells Amy off because she is awesome. Jasmine empowers Samey but of course Amy has to ruin everything and the last balloon bursts. TEAM KINSOWEK LOSES. Why does it look like both twins have a mole? Anyway, Amy runs off to babble and gossip about how useless Samey is. Maybe Samey is the real J'Tia?
Jasmine: "Good thing for Samey they weren't born Siamese twins, or I reckon Amy would've EATEN her by now."
PREACH GURL. Although I wouldn't be surprised if Amy ended up being a cannibal. Hell, they were probably triplets at birth but Amy devoured the third one shortly after. PSYCHO. But you know what they say, Mary had a little lamb!
And the apple returns! I wonder if it's a pear...but Amy steals it from Samey. At elimination, it is down to Amy and Samey. It's ovvious that Samey will go. BUT WAIT. Amy can't talk because her throat is swollen from the apple and Samey pretends to be Amy and Amy is eliminated instead! Because since Jasmine is the only one that can tell them apart (even though Amy's mole is HUGE), Samey can get away with tricking them into thinking she is Amy. So long, "Samey". So Amy takes the Cannon of Shame. WOW THAT WAS INTENSE. YOU GO GURL.
OVERALL SCORE: 8.5
Good interactions and plot with the twins. The elimination was amazing. The challenge was a little boring, however. ED MCDONALD FINALLY WROTE A GOOD EPISODE.
I Love You, I Love You Knots
How many episode titles will start with "I love you"?
So for the 417th time in a row, we open up with Jasmine hopping down from a tree, nearly creating an earthquake while she's at it. It's funny because she was the one in charge of building the treehouse and she's the only one not sleeping in it. But, her choice. Samey is pissed the Jasmine is going foraging without her, but Jasmine reminds her that Amy would never do that. Samey is pretending to be Amy, which is hilarious, and to look even more like her sister (even though they're identical twins), she even has a fake mole. I don't know why, however, since nobody seemed to notice Amy's mole in the first place. IDIOTS.
Wow, continuity, something we haven't seen on this show for a while. Dave does foraging with Shawn and Jasmine asks Shawn and only Shawn he wants to go with her and "Amy". Even Jasmine knows Dave sucks. Scarlett saves Rodney from raccoon poop (delicious), which is enough for Him to fall in love with her. This is starting to get old.
Samey: "If you don't like berries, we did find some nuts."
In that case, Rodney will be needing those nuts, since he lost his during the grease pig challenge. Team Kinosewak gossips about Samey and talks about how much the hate her. Max even calls her face "hideously malproportioned". THIS COMING FROM THE MOST HIDEOUS CHARACTER IN THE HISTORY OF CHARACTERS. SHUT UP, MAX.
We're already at the challenge, and the delusional princess that is Ella saves her "friend" Sugar a seat at the end. UM, HELLO? THAT MEANS LESS CAMERA TIME. B**CH. Poor Ella, I love her. But I love Sugar more. And the challenge is...TRUTH OR SCARE! Ugh, J'Topher once again compliments Chris. Ugh, the guys this season are so one-note. Clucky the Chicken makes a cameo for the challenge. Well, she's better than most of the guys this season. Chef puts shock collars on everyone in his biggest role this season thus far and Dave answers his own question. LET'S GET IT STARTED.
"Amy" is up first for truth.
Samey: "I'm a walking lie!"
At least you're not walking dead, or Shawn may hunt you down before you get to answer. "Amy" hates the real Amy and everyone sympathizes with her. She hates "herself", which is depressing, and she should get counselling. Everyone insults Samey again, and even Sugar joins in. Max says she "reaks of failure". THIS COMING FROM THE GUY WHO TRIES TO BE EVIL BUT FAILS EVERY TIME.
I cringe as Rodney struggles to answer to who is the most attractive girl, to which he says Sugar. And that's a lie. Poor Sugar, I think she's sexy. Sugar rages about Clucky the Chicken being broken and Ella cheers her up by calling her second best.
Sugar: "Dang chickens, always think they're smarter than me."
Sugar b**ch slaps Ella as Ella once again tries to pick a fight with our favourite pageant queen. Sky is up next and has to chug mineral water. Not so bad. But apparently it is. Shawn practically knocks her out with a blast of mineral water, and BAM! SHE'S PREGGO! Just like Gwen was last season.
Sky: "I think my water just broke!"
Coming back, everyone braces themselves for Sky's burp and Topher complains again because he is useless. Max fear nothing because he is an evil genius and I roll my eyes because he is just Courtney 2.0. Dave has to kiss someone next to him. I want him to kiss Shawn and start TD's first gay couple but of course he goes for Sky, who belches in his face. At least she's not perfect, like Zoey. She belches when she's nervous. SURE YOU DO. IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT OR ANYTHING.
Now we get to the good part. Shawn has to pick his nose and wipe it on someone, to which he lets out a SNOT ROCKET. His whole team is covered in snot and I laugh as Dave freaks out because I want him to die. Kinda gross if you ask me. Since Ella is anorexic, she doesn't want to change her stomach, and instead wants to change whatever is stopping her and Sugar from becoming BFFFLs. "I firmly believe..." NO DON'T SAY THAT. IT IS A PAGEANTISM. BUT IT IS TOO LATE. Sugar freaks because she is the only pageant queen in this competition.
Sugar: "Youre goin' down, missy!"
Sugar once again brings out her star football moves as she tries to tackle Ella to death. So far, the score is 1-1 because everyone sucks. AND WE'RE ON TO THE LIGHTNING ROUND. Some highlights are Sky putting braces on a beaver, and Rodney failing at everything. Sugar also eats a live tarantula when she only had to pet it, YOU GO GIRL. But it's not over yet, because it is the SUDDEN DEATH ROUND.
Rodney is up against Ella. AKA the two suckiest Truth or Scare players there. Rodney teases Clucky (how dare you) and now Clucky is pissed. She might kill someone. In that case I hope it is Max or Dave. The final challenge is taking a button out of a bag and Ella gets it out because Rodney has man hands. THIS WAS SO RIGGED FOR THE GIRLS. YOU GO GIRLS. Ella is chicken s**t and won't press the button since it is too mean, so Clucky does the honours for her, shocking Rodney (what Sugar wanted) and his team like 454564 times. Clucky leaves in a straightjacket as Maswak wins take-out and immunity. Which means Kinosewak loses.
Rodney: "Thanks to me, one of my swell teammates are gonna get voted off. I wonder who."
GEE, I WONDER. CAUSE IT ISN'T OBVIOUS ENOUGH ALREADY.
J'Topher gets the first marshmallow which angers me because he literally did absolutely nothing this entire challenge. He is such a background character. Scarlett is in the bottom for no reason and Rodney is eliminated in the most predictable elimination yet. He blabbers and leaves. FINALLY. BYE, LOSER.
Does Chris get botox in the next episode, because in the preview he has a creepy permanent smile.
Elimination: 6. Predictable.
OVERALL SCORE: 8
A pretty good episode full of humour. It had a great challenge and Clucky was awesome, but it lacked strategy, and Rodney's elimination, although satisfying, was totes predictable.