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Scott Glass

Ed MacDonald wrote this episode. Just kill me now. To be fair, it isn't bad like Moon Madness, but it does have a slight hint of mediocrity. The preview for the next intrigued me more than anything. And this is for the thousands of people who are going to cause my depression by saying that human Ezekiel is never going to exist again.

We start off the episode with Courtney and Gwen in their room (hubba hubba) as they start out the morning kissing up to each other, unfortunately not literally.

If I don’t win the million bucks, I hope you do!

Please stop. You’re giving me arthritis.

Scott held a glass up to the wall. I guess you could call it a scott-glass. I hate my life. Cameron’s pajamas are probably nearly as fugly as himself. And ew, I didn’t need to see that extreme close-up of his front view self in the confessional. Why didn’t Cameron like Sierra? At least she’s a passionate lover.

The heroes are taking over the villains’ team. Gwen’s a wannabe, and with Cameron and Courtney, me and Alejandro are outnumbered.

What did he mean with Cameron and Courtney? He’s literally been getting funky with Courtney for like, four episodes now. Oh yeah, Scott’s a farmer. Just in case anyone forgot. Meanwhile, on a more metrosexual note, Duncan tries to prove that he isn’t a good guy by spraying graffiti to the jam that played on the yacht in Bigger! Badder! Brutal-er!. While this subplot is getting a bit repetitive, it is getting more humorous and less forced. Also, Zoey isn’t bugging me lately. I find that Cameron is making me want to shred my flesh more than she is as of recent episodes. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Duncan, you fixed my jeep! You’re a good kid!

Chef saying the contestant’s names makes me uncomfortable. It feels unnatural. I need to take a bath. Oh, hey Alejandro. Glad to see you just showed up the hell out of no where. The Boney Island scene was sort of funny. It's nice to see they haven't forgotten that Alejandro is lusciously seductive. I'd easily eat onion dip off of his chest. Chris announces the merge, which I guess I'm okay with. Cameron's role on the villains was pretty pointless, though. I mean, what did it affect? He's still a fugly and pointless character to the series. Also, Chris has dots for eyes. Why don't we acknowledge that more often?

"Friendship finale version 2.0, here we come!"

Christ, hearing the words "friendship finale" again forces me to have to produce an unhealthy and painful bowel movement against my will.

"Can I get in on that?" "Of course! ... For now."

Oh yeah, that's nice. You're a nice person Cameron. Then Zoey spews her usual s**t about tarot cards that I don't give a flying fladoodle about. Zoey has never mentioned tarot cards before this season and, for the last three episodes in a row, she has suddenly been talking about them, not because it serves any significance to the plot, but because they are trying to establish this redheaded maniac as an indie chick. God, then we more footage from Mike's head. Do you think Mal is okay with having someone stick a camera inside his skull? So, Mike meets up with Chester inside his head, can't believe I just said that, as Chester tells him that he's been selling skateboards. Uh. Okay. Not sure what relevance that serves to the entire series but hey, this scene takes place inside Mike's head. Chester selling skateboards is a nitpick compared to that. The two then move on to go to some like, castle or something, to defeat Mal. Hey, this is really stupid! Who would Chester even sell skateboards to? There's three other people living in Mike's head, and I really don't know how the government works up there.

The challenge is boat race around the island, which isn't a reference to a past challenge, because, you know, there is NO way they could bring back past challenge Like this in ANY WAY.

"Hey, can I be part of your alliance?"

THREESOME, ANYONE?? I don't know why, but Courtney's mouth is being animated really oddly this season. It like, doesn't connect to her face. This season has really went back to the Island ways of using animation over, and over, and over again. Also, everyone on this show probably is taking stupid pills, because Mike literally murdered Izzy last episode and Gwen's all, "oh yeah he's no threat at all he only brutally destroyed a female it's no big deal home skillet."

So, Mal breaks some boats.

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Scott and Duncan are a good duo. Wish we saw more of it this season. Kinda weird how a generally cool duo teams up with a gelatinous blob of kindness and friendship. Anyways, Alejandro’s beautiful. Coconut alley? GEE, WONDER WHO FROM THE 20 SECOND LONG OPENING SEQUENCE IS GOING TO BE IN THIS EPISODE FOCUSED SPECIFICALLY ON COCONUTS. Oh wait, he isn't. Hm.

Thanks Gwen, I almost got my hair wet.” “Oh, I would never let that happen. Your hair is fantastic!

Alright, let me make it clear that I have no problem with Gwen and Courtney being friends. However, when they try to force this amount of friendship on us in TWO EPISODES, while also remembering that Courtney had no problem with Gwen DYING in Moon Madness, I find it a bit grating. This is borderline Katie and Sadie, and while I have no problem with Katie and Sadie’s friendship, you can expect that from them. But looking at Gwen and Courtney’s character in the first three seasons, I find this hard to accept. Yeah, I get that people change overtime, but not this drastically. If they went back to being friends, fine, but they don’t need to be OBSESSED with each other. Not to mention that this friendship fueled both times AFTER (I emphasize important words with caps lock) Duncan was out of the picture in both World Tour and All-Stars, so what does that really show? The only way I’ll find this acceptable is if Courtney and Gwen slip on some sexy lingerie and have an underpants party.

So, while Chef blows Gwen and Courtney up more than they were already blowing each other, WOAH, Cameron gets Scott to be bait for Fang, so they can have a motor. Did he just plan this in literally three seconds. We then cut to our first commercial break, as I proceed to clip my toenails. As we return, Cameron suddenly has this gigantic contraption set up, as Fang is STILL swimming toward the raft. Did Fang just like, pace the lake a few times before actually approaching the raft? You know, a quick swim never hurts.

"Oh my gosh, am I turning evil?"

Are we really just going to do this Duncan plot in reverse? Speaking of Duncan, he's the only one to make it to the merge four times. Then again, Cameron and Zoey made it to the merge more times than DJ and Izzy. GAH. Courtney punching the engine made me giggle, but also chuckle, and maybe even chortle. UHHH, PLAYA DES LOSERS. <3 I guess Chris lives there now, apparently. SO WHERE ARE JO AND HER SWEAT PANTS LIVING? Why does Duncan have to blow up Playa Des Losers? I cried and peed a little bit when I heard his plan. It's such a beautiful essence of nostalgia.

"If only there's a way to make sure he's the real Mike and not just some sneaky alternate persona."

Wait a second, you don't mean-

"There is one way..."

Please tell me you don't mean-

"... If you were to get into some sort of danger."

You can't be telling me that-

"That gives me a crazy idea! Wish me luck!"

...

Are you REALLY telling me that Zoey is risking her OWN LIFE to get ATTENTION from someone who is clearly not mentally stable at the moment? You see, this is the problem with Zoey. Not because she's a bland waste of filler who could've been replaced with someone who can actually fill the void with either humor or character development, though, that's a pretty good reason. But it's the fact that her usual goal is to achieve only one thing: attention. Obviously she KNOWS that Mike ISN'T being himself, how is she so sure that he would respond to this. Instead of possibly, oh, I don't know, possibly getting eaten alive by piranhas, you could maybe, I DON'T KNOW,

TALK TO MIKE

Anyway, we get more poo in his head, as Mike keeps switching in and out. Did Mal just awkwardly stand there with Chester when Mike came back to reality? What do Mike's personas even do up there? I'm suddenly getting harmful mental images about Svetlana and Vito. And Chester and Manitoba. And Manitoba and his hand.

"I don't know what's happening!"

Neither does half the viewing audience, hon.

"When I get out of here, Mal is going to pay!"

Uh, you do realize that Mal is basically you. I don't think like, shooting him will get you anywhere. Did we really have to hear Mal make engine noises? If I was Zoey, I probably would've just accepted the fact that there was something wrong with the engine and that Mal going "RUM TA DUM DA DUM TUM TUM" would really prove anything.

"How gullible is this girl?"

THANK. YOU. The challenge is about to wrap up, but Alejandro's motor isn't working. It's a shame, because he gets my motor working, AMIRITE. Anyway, Cameron like, screams for Zoey's help. Yeah, this is the guy who was ready to leave your boyfriend behind 10 minutes ago. I'm surprised she didn't just leave him to get eaten by a shark. Scott pushed Cameron into the lake, and moved up ten places on my rankings.

"Fang probably would've only chewed on Scott for a minute before spitting him out."

Fang literally caused Scott brain damage last season. They always play my favorite background tune this season. You know. That tune that jams out whenever something extreme happens.

"Guess he'll have to Alehand-row, row, row his boat."

Why did this line happen. This is a pun you would hear on the back of a Laffy Taffy rapper, but I think even those are a little too good for that joke. Alejandro's immunity was kind of dumb.

"A meal... not a snack... Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!"

Okay, settle down. Alehand-row, row, row was funnier. R.I.P. Playa Des Losers. May Sadie's pink polka dot bikini be saved as a memory of your glory.

"It was NOT a cottage!"

You're right. It's MOTHAF**KIN' PLAYA DES LOSERS MANG. I'd like to stay with Al at the spa hotel. Mal-Al alliance is icky. Mal-Al. Al-Mal. CALL IT MALEJANDRO. I feel bad for Chris. DAMN, Duncan's arrested. This show is finally doing SOMETHING realistic. I'll miss Duncan though. Because now it's ALL MIKE, ZOEY, AND CAM TIME.

"But since Scott's mad at me, he wins. I mean, loses."

Oh yeah, that's cool Cameron. Let's just vote Scott to go for being rightfully mad at you for pushing him into the mouth of a mutant shark yet it's cool aha. FOUR EPISODES WITHOUT MARSHMALLOWS. TDWT ALL OVER AGAIN. I'm just glad that Cameron's finally go-

............................................

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. GO HOME. GO HOME! GO HOME!! GO HOME!!! GO HOME!!!! GO HOME!!!!! GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, I want to kick him in the teeth.

Anyways, turns out Mal rigged the votes, which would've been a better twist HAD HE BEEN ELIMINATED.

For the most part, this was a pretty forgettable episode. There were good jokes to be had, but nothing particularly interesting happened and the challenge didn't have much focus. The focus was more in Mike's head than in anything. Honestly, I'm just looking forward to the next episode more. 100TH EPISODE SPECIAL, BABY. W00T W00T. Maybe Jo and her sexy pair of sweat pants will make a return. Bottom line: Ed MacDonald shouldn't handle an episode. I swear, he has some weird obsession with Cameron since he escapes elimination every time Ed writes.

FINAL RATING: 6.3

+ Good humor

+ Interesting twist

- Mediocre character writing

- Inconsistent focus

- Poorly executed ending

- Overall forgettable

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