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I hate you both

Get ready, folks. Plenty of Zoey bashing ahead. After a pretty humorous recap, we open up on the cabins.

"How could Scott dump me?! Deyeuah!"

It could be the fact that you kissed Cameron, but nah, just speculation. Zoey gives her advice on men.

"And hey, kissed by two guys in one day? You're on fire! I haven't even kissed Mike yet!"

Alright, that last line didn't actually happen. GOD, COURTNEY, CHANGE YOUR POSITION IN THE CONFESSIONAL. Uh, Mal. You can just use the door. There's no reason to use the window. Character's only change clothes every three months or so. Oh great, more plot in Mike's head. Yippee. Chester and Mike then run into Svetlana, who is sculpting statues made of butter... What is the purpose of this?!?!? And is it just me, or does Svetlana's voice/accent sound off? So then, GULLIBLE AND LOVABLE Zoey is told that Alejandro let Cameron drop. Hasn't she learned by now that Mike is clearly not worthy of trust? He couldn't even properly make engine sounds in Regatta.

"I'm sad, and when I'm sad, I eat dirt."

I feel you on that one, bro. I've missed bossy Courtney. Is it just me, or does Gwen cease to exist at the beginning of every episode? The last time she did something in the first five minutes was have a mental breakdown over Courtney in Food Fright.

"Of course I'm the last one here, I was exiled on Boney Island."

I wish I was exiled and got Boney on an Island with Alejandro. Does Chris just spend his free time stalking Alejandro's confessionals? I mean, Jesus, this is like, the eighth time this has happened this season. Obviously Chef hasn't been passionate lately. yeah okay, Alejandro, we get it. You're Spanish. Surprise, surprise. Basic Straining. <3

"He let Cam fall? Sheesh, that's harsh, even by Alejandro's standards."

Didn't he try to flirt with you like, five episodes ago? Are we just going to forget that ever happened? Courtney needs to chill out. She ditched Gwen with no remorse last episode. The interaction between Mal and Alejandro was one of the highlights of the episode, and of the season. Pretty damn intense.

Wait, my people have a saying! Burros muertos no habla!

OH REALLY, ALEJANDRO, YOU’RE SPANISH? I HAD NO IDEA.

During the obstacle course, Courtney runs into some wood. Only this time, it isn’t Scott’s wood sha-bam. Mal then saves Zoey from a spurt of water. Honestly, what is Mal’s motive? He’s spent the past eight episodes saying he has something planned for everyone. Yeah, well, there’s five people left. It’s time to stop screwing around, start trying to mess up people’s lives, and most importantly. Much like Alejandro, I too am on the gorgeous side. Not the dull, Cody redesign side. Alejandro then tries to warn Gwen about Mal, but, OF COURSE, FROM THREE THOUSAND MILES AWAY, Mal happens to hear this, and silences Al by throwing a tire at him. What if he missed and Alejandro just went ahead and told Gwen a second later? Okay, then we get a nice fact about how Zoey’s allergic to dog hair. Bet if I check her trivia section right now, that will be in there. Maybe she's allergic to character development as well. Then Gwen and Zoey interact, for whatever reason.

You two better not be talking about me kissing Scott and Cameron!” “You kissed Cameron?!

Hey, Courtney and Cameron. Those are two people Gwen has a weird fetish for. Oooh, damn. Gwen and Courtney are beefing again. Never thought I’d say it but I’m thrilled to see those two disliking each other. And, OF COURSE, when Alejandro tries to reveal his shocking secret, ba dum tsh, Scott is electrocuted. People who have secrets on this show are pretty awful with timing.

So, we return from commercial break, as TDAS's bumper reminds us that Sam was in All-Stars. We cut over to the snapping bars, where we see a group of turtles, and a few turds. I started sobbing when Alejandro began walking on his hands, and my anxiety went into total relapse. Uh, Al, you coulda just like, bit Mike's hand or something. You didn't need to sacrifice yourself just to hurt your enemy. Alright, I guess Laurie Elliot was sick of this scene, so lets transition into Mike's brain. Okay, this is not how multiple personality disorder works. You don't just decide to bring out personalities when they're most convenient. Multiple personality disorder is when you have low self esteem, and thus create an entirely different person from your actual self. How does this not cause controversy?! So Mike uses the conveniently placed mallet near Svetlana's chains. Seriously, Svetlana? You could've just done that yourself.

"MIKE!"

WHO ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION? Oh yeah, Mal. It's good that you're trying to get rid of Mike considering that you're the SAME EXACT PERSON. Scott on Courtney's shoulders was adorable. Turtles devour Scott's buttcheeks as he falls into the water.

"You're on your own, slacker!"

Slacker? He just got BRUTALLY MURDERED by turtles.

"Come on! If Alejandro wins, we won't be able to vote him off!"

What did he even do to you, besides allegedly hurt someone you have an unhealthy obsession with? Alejandro tries to warn Zoey of Mal.

"Mike saw you let Cameron fall! Try to handsome talk your way out of that!"

Do I have permission to hit you with a golf club. AND, OF COURSE, as Alejandro tries to warn Zoey, he's hit with a leech.

"Madre mia!"

Just kill me now. Mal pulls Scott behind a bush, which I've noticed to be common n this show. Why don't people just calmly talk things out? Nope, they gotta force someone into a bush against their will.

"So you're saying Alejandro convinced Cameron to kiss Courtney to drive a wedge between us?" "Yes." "A wedge of what, cheese?"

WHY DO I LOVE SCOTT SO MUCH NOW? The penalty should've been elimination, even though I have some unusual affection toward Scott. Then Gwen and Courtney have some casual talk behind a rock. At least it isn't a bush. Is it wrong if I was aroused by Zoey's pain?

"Did you kiss Alejandro?" "Okay, I'm out of here."

I like Gwen again. Oh wait, Alejandro and Courtney kissed? Why didn't we get to see this?!?! Not sure if that's a continuity error, or it's just implied that Alejandro and Courtney had some dirty bizz behind the scenes. yeah I'm sure it'd be nice to get rid of Mike, Mal, if he wasn't, you know, you. HOW DARE YOU KICK ALEJANDRO IN HIS PERFECT BODY? Things got intense when Alejandro jumped. The next part of the challenge is zip-lining. Gee, I sure do hope that the cord doesn't snap while Zoey and Mike are on it. Mmmmm, Malejandro.

"Our increased weight will make us faster!" "Aww, you sound like Cam!"

Seriously dude, I think you're dating the wrong person. Oh yeah, Scott's a farmer. Didn't want anyone to forget that little tidbit. MMMM, MALEJANDRO, UUHHH. Then Zoey wins. Yay.

"Mal does not belong in juvie, he belongs in jail."

... For what? Tampering with some electronics? Say hi to Duncan for me.

"Alejandro didn't say pal. Did Mike do that for me, or for Mal? I need to keep a closer eye on him..."

I adore Scott. So Alejandro obviously uses this time to tell Zoey what's going on with Mal. Upon hearing this information, Zoey comes to a decision that she can't handle the pressure and tension that Mike's condition has put on her. Zoey calmly talks it out with Mal and tells him that she can no longer be with him anymore. Mal laughs loudly, and tells Zoey that she doesn't know what's she in for. Zoey walks out of the cabin sadly, only to run off, sobbing. Inside the cabin, Mal chuckles loudly again, before breathing heavily, as Mike returns back to his body. Mike quietly asks, "Zoey?" as a single tear runs down his cheek. The scene silently fades to black, as we exit to commercial break.

Okay, that didn't happen either. Al is very quickly eliminated, and we FINALLY get to see a female go on exile.

"You say what now?"

lol. I don't wanna know what goes on when Chris and Gwen are alone. Especially since Chris's swim trunks were destroyed. The Zoke hug was cheesy and corny, but the music made me kind of like it. Alejandro's reaction was better, doe.

"How can she not see the truth?"

LITERALLY THANK YOU. Gee willickers, I wonder if Alejandro is going to reveal Mike's secret to Zoey.

"What did he mean by 'the art'?"

...

In Moon Madness, you suspected something was up with Mike. He has multiple personality disorder and has constantly reminded you about it. Alejandro has tried telling you several times that Mike has a secret. Cameron has tried telling you several times that something is up with Mike. THERE ARE CLUES EVERYWHERE. ARE YOU BLIND. DO YOU NEED TO HAVE A BILLBOARD MADE THAT SAYS "HEY ZOEY, DIDJA KNOW THAT MIKE IS MAL". DO YOU NEED A SEASON OF THIS SHOW TO BE CALLED "TOTAL DRAMA MIKE IS ACTUALLY MAL" FOR IT TO SPELL THINGS OUT FOR YOU. HELL, I BET SHE WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT ALEJANDRO MEANT IF HE FLAT OUT REVEALED IT TO HER. I BET SHE'S GOING TO WATCH THAT DVD NEXT EPISODE AND SAY, "Wow, Mike is doing a lot of crazy stuff. I wonder what this means. O.o" HOW CAN YOU INSULT THOSE JOCKS BACK AT HOME FOR THEIR I.Q. WHEN YOU HAVE THE I.Q. OF A CARDBOARD BOX. YOU KNOW WHAT ZOEY.

Anyway, besides Zoey and Mike being terrible as usual. This was a pretty good entry. The jokes were enjoyable and I really liked the challenge. The Malejandro conflict is definitely one of the best all season. Mike and Zoey weren't really as overkilled as Regatta, but they still are a slight annoyance. And Alejandro's running gag was a bit of an annoyance as well. However, I felt the interactions and humor were enough to save this from ending up in a misfire like Regatta did. I enjoyed it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be throwing darts at my Zoey poster.

FINAL RATING: 8/10

+ Mal-Al and Scourtney interactions

+ Humorous writing

+ Great challenge

- Zoey

- Alejandro's predictable elimination

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