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I want to jump off a bridge

Welcome back to an- Alright, rant time. Our final two is Mike and Zoey. In the most constructive and professional way possible, I’m going to tell you why this doesn’t work in any way possible.

First off, while Zoey was still bad last season, she was mostly just bland. Sure, she had her unlikable moments of hypocrisy and other fair criticisms, but she was no where near as TERRIBLE as she has been all season. The reason for this is because she’s received such a significant amount of focus throughout the past several episodes, and do you know what she did on the spotlight? Revolve around Mike. Literally, she has done nothing of notable importance that hasn’t had something to do with Mike. It goes to prove that Mike is simply an expansion on her character. Complain about Sierra all you want, but she at least has a clear character and doesn’t receive half the amount of attention that Zoey does. Also, they haven’t made a single attempt to develop her character in the least bit. She isn’t funny, she isn’t smart, and she isn’t a likable protagonist. It took her a solid SEVEN episodes to realize that Mike wasn’t in control of himself, knowing that he has multiple personality disorder, for Christ’s sake, after being warned by a total of THREE people. Never once did she talk to Mike about his issues, and believed every single thing he said, even when he’s clearly not trustable. She nearly died in Regatta to prove a point, and it’s mind-numbingly drab for her to learn nothing until evidence is smacked right in her face. This might be a brash point, but I really think that Lindsay is smarter than Zoey, no joke. Well, Lindsay in TDI, at least. In Island, not once did someone walk up to Lindsay and warn her about Heather. As the season progressed, Lindsay picked it up on her own that Heather wasn’t a good friend and that she wasn’t looking out for her best interests. Lindsay didn’t need a friggin’ DVD of Heather breaking stuff to know that she isn’t a good person. And the reason Lindsay stands out as smarter than Zoey is because Zoey isn’t SUPPOSED to be dumb. Lindsay gradually learnt something on her own, while Zoey couldn’t pick up something she had already known from the last season. I don’t know anything that could redeem her character at this point. But I guess “egg butt” was such an incredibly outstanding line that I have to like her. Oh yeah, she didn’t speak in Food Fright. There’s also the fact that she acquires strengths out of no where to further the plot. The only reason Zoey won the challenge in Sundae Muddy Sundae is because she was required to be in the spa hotel that night. And really, that’s bad writing, since it makes NO SENSE that Zoey, who weighs 30 pounds, would beat Scott, who eats feces for breakfast, in an eating contest. And her relationship with Mike is equally as painful as it was last season. The fact that she kept him on the island just to defeat Mal is ridiculous. Mike could’ve gotten help at home, but nah, it’s better to leave him with the girl who almost committed suicide for attention. That’s much smarter.


Mike/Mal is/are terrible as well. While Zoey remains my least favorite character in the series, Mike is still no exception, seeing how he’s the most overrated contestant and biggest screenhog on the show, period. And this season alone proved this. Complain about Duncan all you want, but did he ever have a subplot with just himself INSIDE HIS BRAIN? And the brain scenes, while I guess were technically creative, were some of the worst parts of the entire series. They completely diverted from the main plot to the point where I couldn’t remember what was going on with the actual challenge. Not to mention that they made no clear sense whatsoever. Selling skateboards, sculpting butter, and having puppet shows? What do those amount to? And on top of that, TOTAL DRAMA IS A REALITY SHOW. I know plenty of unrealistic things happen on the show, and that we saw Owen’s dreams before, but there’s no denying that it is a cartoon, and some adjustments will be made to make it more humorous. But the inside of Mike’s brain completely defeats any elements of reality whatsoever. Anyway, onto Mal, who doesn’t justify Mike’s character much at all. Mostly because, well, what’s his motive? First, he wants to torture all the contestants. Then, he wants to keep himself from looking suspicious so he can torture the contestants later on. Finally, he wants the million dollars. I don’t even know how to describe a villain like Mal. If they wanted to build him up, they had to actually do something with him, besides breaking other’s personal items. Everytime they want to show him doing physical damage to another character, it’s conveniently ruined by something else. And really, that’s just bad writing. I know it’s a kids’ show, I get that. But it’s really not cute or charming when a moment like this happens. Yeah, he’s injured others, but he hasn’t ever ONCE ruined someone’s chances at the game. Think about it: Sam being voted off had nothing to do with his broken game, Sierra was just obsessed with Cameron, Duncan was arrested, Cameron got injured, Alejandro was the only one he got eliminated, even though it was strategic, which Mal isn’t SUPPOSED TO BE, while Courtney would’ve probably been voted off anyway, seeing how friggin’ insane she was, and Zoey got Scott eliminated. Mal has done nothing to directly harm another contestant physically or mentally, making him technically the worst antagonist in TD history. Justin got Trent, Gwen, and Izzy eliminated, so even Justin is a better villain than Mal. He’s constantly been saying this season that he has something “planned for everyone”. Well guess what, there’s one person left. So unless you like, kill Cameron and make Zoey watch, I don’t think you’re getting anywhere.

So really, these two characters have successfully ruined this season for me. I’m not going to be ignorant and act like they’re the sole reason this season wasn’t great, but they had a large part in it. And the fact that both of them made it into the final two is mind-numbing. Every other contestant has been meaningless this whole season because these two got so much focus. I just can’t wait to put this season to bed.

Anyway, let's continue to this before I slit my wrists. Okay, Zoey's watching vieos of Mal. Why? She already saw this before. Was she trying to see if the DVD had any Cameron porn on it?

"And with Mike back in my subconscious, that million dollars is mine!"

Okay. I guess you want money now even though you never said you did ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. ha. Brain sequence. Don't care. Don't care. DON'T CARE.

"Chester!" "What? I got noodles for arms!"

I wish I had noodles right now so my brain could consume something less mentally disabled. WHY DOES EVERYONE WALK IN THE FOREST NOW.

"I didn't do it for you, I did it for Mike!"

Okay, they're the same person.

"I'll take boring Mike over evil Mal anyday!"

Really? Cause I can't stand either of them. Mal whispering made me feel weird.

"Is Mike really never coming back?"

Maybe if you took him to, you know, a doctor, this could be sorted out. But nope, let's beat him for a million dollars derpity derp. Oh hey, Chef. Forgot you existed. How does Chris allow for Zoey and Mike to be in the final two? Isn't he bored with them by now? Mr. Coconut has had no significance this season. The former competitors are in.... BALLOONS? WHAT THE HELL WHY? HOLY S**T, OWEN. This season was worth sucking ass just for that moment. Ew, Cameron and Gwen are DISGUSTING.

"Zoey, why don't you take a break?"

Was that supposed to be a pun? Because for once, you didn't break anything, Mal. And so, the balloons with the past contestants fly away.

...


WHICH MEANS NO JO. NO GRAY SWEATPANTS. NO SEXY BEAST LIGHTNING. NO BEAUTIFUL SIERRA. NO RESOLUTION TO SCOURTNEY WHATSOEVER. NO RESOLUTION TO GWENTNEY WHATSOEVER. NO RESOLUTION TO GWUNCAN WHATSOEVER. I HATE THIS SEASON. ARE THE ANIMATORS REALLY THAT LAZY THAT THEY CAN'T JUST DRAW THE CHARACTERS. LAURIE ELLIOT'S A WRITER. SHE SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE TO SWEATPANTICIZE. THIS IS THE WORST SEASON EVER.

okay Zoey shut up. Alright so more pointless stuff I don't care about. EW, EVEN HEATHER'S GROSS THIS EPISODE. ALEHEATHER IS GROSS. GOD. And of course, the final challenge isn't a reference to a past challenge. Oh, toxic waste in this challenge. Wow, gee Chris, I was under the impression that you weren't allowed to use that anymore. :-/

"You know, floating in a balloon, directly into the sun... that's looking pretty good now."

GWEN, WHO INVITED YOU HERE. This is probably more dialogue than Chef's had all season. I really don't like how Gwen in the Mike-Zoey-Cameron trio of stupid ass friendship finales and macaroni sculptures. She used to be cool and stuff.

"Either way, Mike's gone."

Oh yeah, good encouragement for your friend Cameron. You're a great main protagonist.

"Let's go out, crush him, and win this thing!"

HELLO? PSY. CHI. A. TRIST.

"Wow, is Mal really Mal, or is Mal still Mike? Maybe Mike was always Mal. This is milk."

Okay, props for that line. That's probably the funniest thing ever. We're at commercial break and I still don't care who wins. Zoey burying Mike's necklace was unnecessarily dramatic. The challenge starts and Mal friggin' almost throws Heather into waste. We already ended up with Dakotazoid, I can't lose another.

"Hey, he's not Mike! Remember that, or he'll introduce you to a pool of LAHHHVA."

Was that Canadian or was that pronunciation just off.

"Such big anger for a little man."

Was it just me, or was that seductive? And, we reach Mal's tower where a... button... resets Mike.


Alright, I'M WRAPPING IT UP.

MAL HURTS MORE PEOPLE

HE TRIES TO KILL ZOEY WITH A POGOSTICK

CHRIS IS A JERK

CHRIS'S PHONE

ALEHEATHER aw wait that was cute

MAL SHUT UP MAN

zoey's buttcrack

HEATHER'S WAIST LOOKS WEIRD WHEN SHE CLIMBS

I DON'T CARE CAMERON

MIKE DEFEATS MAL IN LITERALLY THE DUMBEST WAY MAL WAS NOT A GOOD VILLAIN AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN WRITE HIM OFF DRAMATICALLY WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN WHAT'S THE POINT. ALSO, MIKE DEFEATS MAL IN HIS BRAIN EVEN THOUGH HIM AND HIS OTHER PERSONAS ARE ALREADY IN HIS BRAIN WHAT.

MIKE AND ZOEY KISS FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER WELL IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME

ALEHEATHER aw

GWEMERON EW THAT'S DISGUSTING

ALEHEATHER HAS TAKEN A TURN FOR THE WORST. THE PLOT THICKENS

SHUT UP, CAMERON

GWEN YOU'RE RUDE WHAT'S THIS "OLD HEATHER" NONSENSE

MIKE OR ZOEY IS STILL GONNA WIN WE VOTED FOR THEM

OKAY MIKE WINS I DON'T CARE HE'S GONNA SPEND IT ON ZOEY

PAHKITEW REFERENCE WHY CAN'T PAHKITEW BE THIS SEASON

CHEF SAID FRACK

THE ISLAND IS EXPLODING WHAT'S HAPPENING

THIS OPERA MUSIC IS SUPERB

HOLY CRAP THE BUTLER DIED.

Alright, so this is end, I suppose. Heather gives us a nod to TDWT but too bad this season isn't TDWT cause it sucks doe.

"We should do this again sometime!" "No!"

Yeah okay see ya later, hahah sike GOODBYE FOREVER MIKE, ZOEY, AND CAMERON.

"That's it for our very first All-Stars season!"

Please never do this to us again. Ending off the cast with Owen was the perfect way to end an otherwise bad episode, though. It was both funny and charming. However, this season wasn't.

For all those who read my reviews, I'll probably do a season review next week, but otherwise, this is it. It's been fun looking at this pretty lame season. And yeah, this episode was bad too. Mike and Zoey were barely given characterization this whole episode. Nothing they have done all season amounted to this. And otherwise, it was just a mess. I can't comprehend what happened most of the time. Sad to say, All-Stars lands at the bottom of my season rankings.

FINAL RATING: 5.4

+ Owen

- Complete mess

- Lack of cast

- Poor focus on Mike and Zoey

- Odd send-off for Mal

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