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Hey Chef

My mom forgot to cut the crust off my PB&J today, so I'm pretty pissed off.

We begin with a typical recap. Am I the only one who noticed that Chris never acknowledged that Gwuncan broke up? Isn't that kind of a big deal? I guess it's just water under the bridge-tte! Wish I had more friends.

"Will my breakfast get here before lunch?"

I literally got stiff when I saw that Chris was at Playa Des Losers. Such a nostalgia bomb. Okay, I guess Cartoon Network decided that they weren't going to play the theme song this episode. No, it's cool, just slap on the instrumental with barely audible lyrics. NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

"I just hope Cam-dy doesn't take it too hard..."

Normally, I'd use this opportunity for innuendo, but I'm honestly concerned for Sierra's mental health. Why is everyone worried about Mike when Sierra is on the verge of psychopathy? Well, then again, he did drop a BOULDER ON HIS HEAD. Mike takes brain damage a little too well for comfort. Oh hey, Scott lives on a farm? I had no idea. I'm being sarcastic tonight for a change. Also, how many times is Gwen going to fake vomit this season? I kinda wanna punch her in the nose.

"Wakey, wakey, legs-a-fakey."

At least Alex House didn't deliver that line. Also, Alejandro is awesome this season. He's pretty much the only person who hasn't bothered me once so far. Even if Al was a bit bland in World Tour, I don't think he ever annoyed me back then either. He is literally the least annoying person on this show. Well, besides the fact that he spent a total of six episodes WALKING ON HIS HANDS. Courtney needs to like, shut up for five seconds.

"He always calls me Al! I hate it more than mutant fire beetles and conditioners that won't de-tangle."

GEE, WONDER WHO'S GOING TO GUEST STAR ON THIS EPISODE? Why is there a hog on an island? We then cut to the contestants walking in the forest for, what, the eighteenth time this season? A rat vomits on Sierra. Anyway, Duncan puts his arm on Zoey’s shoulder and explains to her that Mike used to be a convict.

“Hahahahahahahahahaha! … Oh, you’re serious.”

Okay, thanks for reminding us that this exact same moment happened in Eat, Puke, and Be Wary. Why would Duncan stay way clear of Mal? When did Duncan suddenly turn into a giant wuss? And why is it that Zoey is just finally putting the puzzle pieces together that one of Mike’s personas could be evil? Did she just think he had a slight fever this whole time? And wouldn’t Mike even take the time to be like “Oh yeah, Zoey, forgot to mention, I was in a federal prison for a while because one of my other personalities brutally murdered an innocent family and may even try to kill you at some point. XP XP XP”

"Thanks for telling me. You're so thoughtful and considerate."

Duncey is kinda gross. I feel like Zoey would be uncomfortable every time Duncan tried to be intimate with her. I mean, isn’t holding hands considered like, sixth base for Mike and Zoey? I’m a mean person. I don’t see why people hate Sierra so much. What is she doing that is actually considered a character flaw? Her “not changing” isn’t a bad thing, if you liked her at first. Would it really even be that funny if she was obsessed with everyone? I dunno, just my two cents.

"Mike, time to head back!"

Chef calling Mike by his name was odd for me. Then we get more utter BS in Mike’s head. How does this ever happen? Does Mal have like, a magical evil mirror that he uses to communicate with Mike? I’m surprised he hasn’t broken it yet. God, I don't know if I can deal with only seeing Mike in his head for the rest of the season. Gotta love those magic brain cameras around the island.

"This is the last will of I, Cameron Corduroy Wilkins."

While this isn't a bad line at all, why is Cameron even still here? All he does is stand. And fuglyifies the show. Maybe Sierra will harvest his organs to make a new smart phone... What? Whaaat? I miss Chef. He only speaks every like, eight episodes. So hearing his Cle voice was a nice refresher. Ew, Mal's unsettling.

"A hardy helping of season one's 'No Pain, No Game' challenge, with a pinch of 'Phobia Factor' for extra zing."

UHHHH, now this is what I'm talking about. Referring to episodes by name is even more of a nostalgia bomb. Kinda wish we could get an X-Treme Torture challenge in here. Maybe with a returnee as well. How cool would that be?

Sha-boobies

I don't even need an explanation for Chef wearing a dress. It just doesn't get old. Zoey's reward is kinda lame. I was hoping it would be like, superpowers or something. But, Zoey already has those, seeing as how she can fly up trees. So, the Heroes get a point and... Cameron's... cheering... with them. SEE? HE'S SO POINTLESS HE CAN'T EVEN GET HIS OWN TEAM RIGHT. Ugh, that No Pain, No Game music. <3

It’s kind of dumb that the contestants only face animals, aside from Jose and Courtney. I would’ve liked to see some eliminated, or even past contestants, in the ring. But instead, we get Fang. You know, because people loved him so much in Revenge of the Island that they just HAD to bring him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Granted, his appearance isn't too over-killed. It wasn't half bad.

"I likes you perty lady, heh heh heh, sleep."

Scott's cool this season. He's probably the only one left from the RI cast that I still like. Cameron's fugly, Mike's talking through his brain, and I'd talk about Zoey, but I'm already on parole by her fanbase. Mal's alright, if he actually, oh, I don't know, DOES SOMETHING.

Gwentney is literally moments away from happening. I have my popcorn and testosterone levels ready.

"Why me?" "Why not?" "Good point."

Huh. OOOH, CUSTODY BATTLE. I kind of like how we're subtly supposed to know that Sierra weaved that baby pouch. Weaved? Wove? Leshawna's weave. Leshawna hasn't appeared in three years.

"Astronomical! I think I smell a rat!"

Haha, SHUT UP. Does Sierra just generally like people who are about five feet shorter than she is? Sierra and Cameron just doesn't work for me. Cameron and Zoey are much better off for each other. They're both BLAND AND UNIMPORTANT IN MY LIFE. It's kinda sad that Mike didn't end up with Anne Maria. What, doesn't she get a happy ending?? Are we just going to act like she's a terrible person and doesn't deserve a piece of beefcake in her life?!?!

Man, Jose is sexy. Marco should've guest starred to voice Jose. But I guess he went back to being some random Mexican that Tom McGillis found outside of Burger King. Alejandro vs. Jose was boss. Jose should've debuted as a contestant. And Alejandro kicking the s**t out of Jose was boss too. WHEN DID ALEJANDRO GET SO COOL? I LOVE YOU ALEJANDRO. I WANT YOUR SPANISH PECKS IN MY TACO SALAD.

"The game must be rigged!"

Yeah okay, thank you Cameron for chiming in so that everyone knows you still exist. Gwen and Courtney are standing next to each other. They're def ready to mack on each other at any second. Nice callback to Finders Creepers, though.

And...

IZZY'S BACK, W00T W00T. And yeah, she proved that she's more in character than half of the veterans this season.

"How does Izzy know about Mal?"

HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IZZY. WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO USE THAT NAME? Oh my God, Mike literally just beat the crap out of Izzy. Well, R.I.P. to another fallen. At least you can join Owen, Ezekiel, and Sadie in TD Contestant Hell. Oh yeah, Sadie dies of diabetes. I kinda wanted Cameron to get eaten by gophers. Then Duncan has a five minute conversation with Chris.

"Back home they call me snake hands!"

I guess snake hands can't fight off an alternate persona who breaks game systems and cell phones. Gwen and Courtney are straight b**ches. Who would honestly beat up a bird in the first place? I kinda like how they're at least making Duncan more realistic. STOP LAUGHING, GWENTNEY. DID YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE DUNCAN BEAT UP A BABY BIRD? WHAT KIND OF SICK FREAKS ARE YOU? Then again, I do kinda mention that I wish Zoey would die, like, every week. Oh well, I'M NOT ON A KID'S SHOW.

"I'll go- (laughs) no seriously, I'll go- (laughs) oh!"

I literally projectile vomited all over my TV screen. Mygeto was there. And CD. YOU ALL SAW IT. At least we get some sexy boxing. My male hormones are raging. I love how the writers are trying to make us believe that Gwen and Courtney had the prodigy of legendary friendships. They didn't get on each other's good side till about Slap Slap Revolution and didn't even become friends till about Newf Kids on the Rock, so somehow I'm not sure if I find this that believable. WHY CAN'T WE BRING BACK LESHAWNA AND GWEN'S FRIENDSHIP?

I really liked the callbacks to every time Gwuncan kissed, especially the fact that they even included an exclusive clip and a new one. I miss Sierra's braid. Why does Courtney even care? She doesn't even give a hoot and a half about Duncan anymore. And this boxing isn't nearly as arousing as I thought it would be.

"That's for him not being your boyfriend when he kissed me!"

WHEN DID EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW START TAKING STUPID PILLS? I like Duncan again.

"I never really missed Duncan, but I really missed you..."

Um.

"Friends?" "Totes, friends for ever."

This wasn't the kind of love-fest I had in mind. In fact, I projectile vomited out my window, which hit my neighbor, who shook his fist at me in anger.

"What if Mike is the alternate personality, and Mal is the real deal?"

DAMN, THINGS JUST GOT REAL. I will say that Zoey really hasn't been annoying me lately, but does she just listen to everything she hears? Why not sit down and have a discussion with her boyfriend instead of avoiding him all the time? Why talk to Duncan, who you met like, what, three days prior?

"Hold that gasp."

Chris has become progressively more likable again during this season. I mean, just a season ago, he was friggin strapping bombs to sixteen-year-olds and infecting Dakota with a tumor. Oddly enough, I thought the elimination was pretty shocking. I couldn't really decide if it was going to be Sierra or Duncan. I'll miss you Sierra. Fight the good fight, sistah. What would sending Alejandro to Boney Island do, besides increasing his chances of claiming the invincibility statue? Well, at least we FINALLY have a veteran going on exile duty. Yet, it's still a male. I kinda wish they sent Gwen and Courtney so they could get devoured by wooly beavers.

"Sorry again! Say hi to Cody for me!"

I have no idea why, but I really like this line. Maybe just because we FINALLY get a nod to an old interaction. Besides THE MYTHICAL AND EVER ADORABLE SAGA OF THE COURTNEY AND GWEN FRIENDSHIP.

"And make more Gwuncan videos!"

I like you. And I like this episode. Laurie Elliot once again has proved that she isn't a terrible human being by giving us a fresh and funny episode. And while I do love Gwen and Courtney on their own, they are undeniably getting on my nerves this season. I think I prefer their conflict more than their projectile vomit causing friendship. Zoey's improving on being less detestable, and Alejandro proves that he's still one of the greatest this season. I'll miss Sierra, but I do appreciate the shocking ending. And the challenge was one of the better ones in a while. Another good episode for a fairly good season. Kinda wish we got more Playa Des Losers, though. I would've liked to see Jo in her GRAY SWIMSUIT.

FINAL RATING: 8.2

+ Great challenge

+ Nice surprises, including Izzy's cameo

+ Characters in tip-top shape

- Gwentney

- Minor inconsistencies

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